Friday, December 21, 2012

Season Of Fetishists?

That is a large chunk of the leg of a pig. I want you to keep that in mind as I continue.

We're having our hamday today. Natalie is on call for Xmas proper, so we're giving gifts and eating piggybits today. I have already been given a Fart Alarm (thanks to the Mau-mau) and a Bamix. I am quite pleased with the Bamix. My old whizzer-on-a-stick was... dangerous. The Bamix looks good.

I have also been given a magnetic knife rack, now duly mounted in the kitchen, and sporting a range of sharp stuff. Good.

The children have received Lego, and cricket stuff, and a small bag of goodies including chocolates, lollies and cheap toys. The Mau-mau got cricket pads and gloves and a Mau-mau sized bat all for herself, and is very pleased. She also got Wedding Barbie and Seriously Fuckin' Gay Ken (when did Ken get actual hair? Blonde, sort of Bieber-cut hair? How could Ken manage to be even gayer than he used to be? Not that being gay is a concern. Just that Ken is so friggin' camp, and yet Barbie doesn't seem to notice. She's all dressed up, ready to marry him. Don't do it, Barbie! He's living a lie!)

Jake has been given Dishonoured, and has spent much of the morning grumbling about being killed a lot. Genghis has a laser pen, and a glass chess set. Natalie has a copy of The Sapphires, and some really fine long-sleeved shirts with the Triforce bleach-printed on them. They look very cool.

Much cricket bowling and batting has been done. The newly-built practice nets are even now getting a sturdy workout. The time and effort invested in making them was well spent. It's heartening to see your kids outside, belting the shit out of a motley bunch of cricket-sized balls on a sunny summer afternoon.

Meanwhile, potatoes are frying fragrantly, and in the oven, that ham (now glazed with a mix of exciting sauces I found at the back of my fridge and wanted to get rid of) is heating up beautifully. There will be fresh salad, ham and potatoes and wine, and home-made ginger beer for the kids (yes, I laid down three bottles a couple days ago. They'll be perfect by now) and afterwards there will be lots of watermelon and raspberries.

All good.

Except for that ham.

I want to know something. I want to know what kind of peculiar mind puts a pig in fishnet stockings.

Because it's very, very disturbing.


  1. I can answer the fishnets in a really technical and boring way, but doubt that's the answer you were looking for.

  2. Don't you dare disabuse me. Right now, my mind is awash in visions of abbatoirs full of fetishistically dressed pigs, being given the Gimp Treatment prior to getting killed after the manner of Michael Hutchence...