Wednesday, December 26, 2012

New Zealand: Land Of Contrasts, Or Just A Couple Of Islands Full Of 'Tards?

I went to see The Hobbit today. And I was very happy. I would not have broken my no-cinema vow for anything less, and Peter Jackson did not disappoint. I wondered how he was going to handle this set of films, for the book is considerably lighter and fluffier than LOTR.

He did it well. There are interesting character arcs, odd bits of backstory, and the not-really-told (in the books, that is) tale of The Necromancer of Dol Goldur is woven into the film. The scenery is still pretty. The action sequences are fine -- I loved the running battle through the Goblin Deeps under the Misty Mountains - and all your favourites are back. There's Old Bilbo (Ian Holm), a little Frodo, some Saruman (hooray!), some Elrond, some Galadriel, and a cheerfully eccentric Sylvester McCoy doing Radagast the Brown -- a wizard who rates about a line and a half in all of Tolkien's books put together.

I enjoyed myself. That was nice. And of course, I have our Kiwi brethren to thank for that, right?

And yet... and yet...

This is a picture of a Cadbury's Mighty Perky Nana bar.

And here is a photo of a mighty perky model, holding a Mighty Perky Nana Bar. Through the magic of Blogtography, you can even see what our model is thinking! (Hell of a camera, that Canon.)

 Here, our courageous (and perky) model prepares to take a bite of her Mighty Perky Nana Bar.

And what, pray tell, is a Mighty Perky Nana Bar? Well... there are ingredients. Yes. They are as follows: Milk Chocolate, wheat, glucose syrup, sugar, vegetable fat, milk solids (milk solids? Do they mean cheese?) cocoa mass, cocoa butter, dried egg white (oooh.) maltodextrin, cocoa powder (how is that not covered under "cocoa mass"?) food acid, emulsifiers, soya, lecithin, flavours, gelatine, colours... actually, that's not much help, is it? Maybe we can get a better idea by watching our model.

Chewy? Is that the 'milk solids'? Or is it the dried egg white? This is not a promising start. 

...aaaand those "flavours" start to kick in. Mmm! Doesn't our model look happy? Think perky, lass! Perky!

She has a verdict! Yes, faithful readers -- a Mighty Perky Nana Bar tastes yellow!

But perhaps that's not a good thing?

Our model is faced by an age-old dilemma...

I'm pretty sure those are not tears of joy. (I can promise you that our formerly perky model isn't even named Joy, so even that dodge is out.)

And that's where our saga ends. I didn't see any point in trying to photograph the gruesome aftermath. I will add only this:

(Did that work? If not, you can find the URL right here...  )

So, there you have it. On the one hand, Peter Jackson, Lord of the Rings, and now The Hobbit. And on the other, Cadbury's Mighty Perky Nana Bar.



  1. To think the Polly Waffle lost its fight for life while atrocities like this still exist. For shame, chocolate makers! For shame!

    I'll bet that inner core is of a marshmallowy consistency. For some reason Kiwis are crazy about chocolate covered marshmallow. Usually it's fish shaped. Though thankfully the chocolate covered fish do not in fact try to simulate a fish taste.

    Maybe they could change the shape to make it look more like a banana and taste less like Araldite. Yeah, that'd work ...

    1. Not marshmallow. Thick, sticky, chewy nougat. With artificial banana and lemon.

  2. Sorry FH - I'm assuming you haven't actually tried a Perky Nana ? They're fricken awesome!
    Oh sure, maybe not on the same level say as the mighty Moro bar of even greater un-zud fame, but given their most excellent value - around half the price of most chocolate bars (the standard version anyway, maybe not the "mighty" which I'd never heard of until here)- right up there with Peanut Slabs, K-Bars and Snifters in the ranks of kiwi confectionary goodness.

  3. I ate half the one my daughter rejected after her first bie. The only reason I got through half was sheer disbelief.

    They are indeed cheap. But I think there's a reason for that. And it's not a nice reason.

  4. Aha... I see your problem Dirk - the model is an elf! EVERYONE knows elves are allergic to Perky Nana bars... in fact human food just plays havoc with their little elfy stomachs.

  5. Heh -- yeah, both of us forgot she was wearing those ears. We'd just been to see The Hobbit, as I mentioned.

  6. The thing is, we've had issues with substances which excite the nervous system, here on the right hand side of the Tasman. Never quite got it right.

    Its a tortured history, as outlined here...