Saturday, August 1, 2009

Share-Housing vs Parenting

Things I learned From Share-Housing That Prepared Me For Parenting

  • Nothing that has ever happened in a diaper is anywhere near as repulsive and disgusting as the stuff that accumulated in the sink at my first flat. Or my second. Or the third.
  • Food remains edible a lot longer than the manufacturers would like you to think.
  • Sleep is less important than most people believe.
  • The refrigerator will not clean itself.
  • Not everything that is green in the refrigerator is fit to eat.
  • Stocking toilet paper? Plan ahead. A long, long way ahead.
  • Potatoes abandoned in dark places for too long become...unacceptable. Ergo, they are not good playthings for children.
  • Screaming does not necessarily mean something bad is happening. It's all about the tone and pitch.
  • A pile of salt on a red wine spill will help remove the stain from a carpet. On the other hand, the goddam carpet is going to get stained sooner or later, so why bother? Polished hardwood floors and cheap throw-rugs rule!
  • It is entirely possible to play cricket in the hallway.
  • But it's best to use a foam rubber ball, and to make sure your girlfriend (wife) doesn't catch you doing it.
  • Never, ever assume the bedroom door is locked. Or the toilet door, for that matter.
  • Just because the toilet door is only half closed, there's no reason to assume the place is unoccupied.
  • Silence indicates grave danger, unless you are alone in the house.
  • You can disguise almost anything into edibility with enough cheese, tomato paste and pizza crust.
  • Always leave at least one adult person sober enough to answer a fire alarm.
  • Riding in large commercial driers is enormous fun. Putting other people in them is even more fun. Small children, therefore, cannot be trusted alone with the lesser version in your laundry.
  • Shouting louder than the other person is not a viable method of winning an argument.
  • Eating things that fell on the floor is a lot less fatal than your mother always said.
  • Hide the TV remote before someone else does. That way you'll be able to find it. That's the only way you'll be able to find it.
  • They won't go to bed of their own accord. Sooner or later, someone has to announce that the party is over.
  • And no: they will never, ever put away their toys by themselves.
  • Being the only grown-up sucks donkey balls. You really need somebody to share the job.