Season Of Fetishists?

That is a large chunk of the leg of a pig. I want you to keep that in mind as I continue.

We're having our hamday today. Natalie is on call for Xmas proper, so we're giving gifts and eating piggybits today. I have already been given a Fart Alarm (thanks to the Mau-mau) and a Bamix. I am quite pleased with the Bamix. My old whizzer-on-a-stick was... dangerous. The Bamix looks good.

I have also been given a magnetic knife rack, now duly mounted in the kitchen, and sporting a range of sharp stuff. Good.

The children have received Lego, and cricket stuff, and a small bag of goodies including chocolates, lollies and cheap toys. The Mau-mau got cricket pads and gloves and a Mau-mau sized bat all for herself, and is very pleased. She also got Wedding Barbie and Seriously Fuckin' Gay Ken (when did Ken get actual hair? Blonde, sort of Bieber-cut hair? How could Ken manage to be even gayer than he used to be? Not that being gay is a concern. Just that Ken is so friggin' camp, and yet Barbie doesn't seem to notice. She's all dressed up, ready to marry him. Don't do it, Barbie! He's living a lie!)

Jake has been given Dishonoured, and has spent much of the morning grumbling about being killed a lot. Genghis has a laser pen, and a glass chess set. Natalie has a copy of The Sapphires, and some really fine long-sleeved shirts with the Triforce bleach-printed on them. They look very cool.

Much cricket bowling and batting has been done. The newly-built practice nets are even now getting a sturdy workout. The time and effort invested in making them was well spent. It's heartening to see your kids outside, belting the shit out of a motley bunch of cricket-sized balls on a sunny summer afternoon.

Meanwhile, potatoes are frying fragrantly, and in the oven, that ham (now glazed with a mix of exciting sauces I found at the back of my fridge and wanted to get rid of) is heating up beautifully. There will be fresh salad, ham and potatoes and wine, and home-made ginger beer for the kids (yes, I laid down three bottles a couple days ago. They'll be perfect by now) and afterwards there will be lots of watermelon and raspberries.

All good.

Except for that ham.

I want to know something. I want to know what kind of peculiar mind puts a pig in fishnet stockings.

Because it's very, very disturbing.