Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Oh, Dear. It Seems To Be Starting.

The following is not a news article, nor intended to be taken seriously by anyone. (Except maybe me. And a certain primary school teacher.) It is published here by permission of its author, who happens to be my Elder Son.

Alan Sconat Sparks Revolution In Winter Games

‭ ‬In Vancouver,‭ ‬Canada,‭ ‬the winter Olympics were being hosted with pride.‭ ‬Although many participants were satisfied with their results in the contests,‭ ‬some like Dale-Begg-Smith and Alan Sconat were not very enthusiastic.
‭ ‬When Alan was asked to participate in a specific contest,‭ ‬he rebelliously declined.‭ “‬I don’t think that EVERY game should be life risking and likely to kill me‭! ‬Why can’t we do some lighter games like a snowball fight marathon‭?”
He registered his complaint to the people who were hosting the games at Vancouver,‭ ‬but was excruciatingly cold-shouldered.
‭ ‬Finally,‭ ‬someone paid attention and gave him a protest positioning court.‭ ‬Alan presented his argument in court,‭ ‬but when the judge denied everything Alan said,‭ ‬the flames started to rise.‭ ‬For half an hour the judge and Alan battered each other with strong intimidation,‭ ‬verbal and emotional blackmail and annoying insults.‭ ‬Finally,‭ ‬a spectator told them to settle down and come to an agreement‭; ‬but they weren’t finished yet.‭ ‬When the Judge stated that he reckoned Alan didn’t like dangerous games because he probably had a low self-esteem,‭ ‬Alan leapt up at the judge and thrashed him like a rabid dog.
‭ ‬Alan eventually lost the argument and was evicted from the winter Olympics for‭ ‬3‭ ‬days at maximum,‭ ‬and Alan decided he wouldn’t come back until they got a better judge,‭ ‬which was never going to happen,‭ ‬so he also said he’d never come back.‭ ‬But...

‭ ‬Many fans of Alan were outraged when they heard he was going to be evicted from the winter Olympics,‭ ‬but the stubborn Judge would not let him back:‭ “‬I will not,‭ ‬I repeat:‭ ‬NOT,‭ ‬let that him back‭! ‬Is that so hard to understand‭?” ‬asked the Judge.
‭ ‬But this time luck was not on the judge’s side.‭ ‬At midnight there was a gargantuan crowd of winter Olympics fans thundering at the judge’s door.‭ ‬He asked his secretary to see what all the fuss was about‭ (‬which he suspected was about evicted Alan.‭) ‬A few minutes later the hysterical shrieks of the secretary were coming down the corridor.‭ ‬The secretary came rushing back,‭ ‬his tie ripped,‭ ‬and his coat in tatters.‭ ‬It turns out they wanted ridiculous winter games,‭ ‬like a snowball fight marathon.‭
A massive vote took place in court to determine whether or not the ridiculous games could be allowed,‭ ‬and the vote was won‭; ‬there are ridiculous games for willing participants now‭; ‬Alan’s dream had come true.‭

I am quite disturbed by this. He isn't yet ten years old. I'm not certain I could have done this at his age...

...poor bastard. Another writer? Oh, Cthulhu.

EDITED TO ADD: And why the hell AREN'T there any Olympic Snowball Fight events, anyway?