The Grind

Really, really tired. That's how I feel right now.

Natalie's working long, long hours lately. Ergo, so am I. Doesn't matter how much gets done; it seems there's always a pile more in waiting. Small stuff: laundry, firewood, cleaning, tidying, shopping, cooking, getting kids to and from all kinds of things. Medium sized stuff: clearing away felled trees, chainsawing old deadfalls for new firewood, paperwork for the ju-jitsu class, paperwork for a bunch of other things. Big stuff: working with the Elder Son at home on his studies, trying to find a little time and inspiration to work on the novel...

Maybe it's the time of year, as the days get shorter and there's less and less light. Maybe it's stress from all sorts of current events. Maybe it's just the endless grind of juggling three small, boisterous kids while trying to maintain some kind of life. I don't know. All I know is that I'm flat, dead, worn to the bone.

It's six in the evening. The kids are in the bath. I've been holding off on dinner in the hopes Natalie might make it home in time for a pleasant shared meal. I can probably give her another fifteen minutes, but by then if I don't do something to feed the little ones, it's all going to fall apart horribly.

Doesn't help that Younger Son seems to have a chronic cough following his last brush with colds/resp.viruses. We're wondering about asthma. It's a loud, awful, deep, nasty cough, but it's not rattly or productive. Unfortunately, it's also frequent, especially at night. Metronomic, in fact. It carries all the way up the stairs to our bedroom. It wakes up his brother in the middle of the night, and that's not easy.

So you lie there... one in the morning... hoping it was just a passing fit. Thirty seconds, forty seconds, a minute... maybe you can relax -- no. There it is again, like a deep, rough bark, just as you're thinking maybe, maybe it's going to pass. Wait a while, wait a while... there it is again.

What to do this time? Ventolin? A cough suppressant? Have to do something. He's waking everyone in the house, and it's not good for his sleep either...

...and how long can you go on like this?

I can hear him in the bath, right now. The house is warm, the bathroom is a little steamy. It shouldn't set him off, but there he goes.

I think it's going to be another long, sleepless night. Fifth in a row? Sixth?

Too many.